March 6, 2014

Dorothy Gail from California

I'm convinced that everyone has a time and place when he or she feels a little uneven with their true self. Typical concerns of hair trouble and skin issues can grow to deeper thoughts of why am I single, or is he/she really in love with me? The truth of the  matter is, everyone, yes, everyone has a moment of self doubt. Whether you admit it openly, write it all over your Facebook wall, or swallow your pride and sulk in a dark room while cradling your dog (yep. talking about myself, here), it happens. 

Confidence comes from being your true self, and acknowledging your good and bad and accepting yourself just as you are, and just as you were intended to be. "Fearfully and wonderfully made" -psalms 139:14

But on the other hand, even though you may be a confident person, as I like to think I am about 89 percent of the time, it doesn't mean you're restricted from feeling self-doubt now, and again. I know for my personal self, when I get to that dark state I tend to isolate. I'm a bit of an isolator to begin with, but REALLY notice my need to block out the noise when I'm in a lack-luster mood. And let me just tell you, those moods can last more than a day, sometimes those bad moods last for weeks or even months.

During those times I feel sort of lost, slightly confused and a bit of a drifter. Being such a strong believer in my faith, you'd think I'd bounce back and let the big man upstairs handle it all and be back on my way, but it's never been that easy. At least not for me, anyways.

Faith doesn't mean you never have problems; having faith means you walk through the darkness cradling hope in your hands and believing that one day you'll see the sun break through the clouds again. It's that tiny bit of know-how that keeps you well aware of your state of being while pushing forward. For me, crying and sulking is my state of being these days. It sucks, but it's still the state of being my mind chooses to be in, so I allow it to progress and understand it's only temporary, but can I just tell you something? It's nice to be thought of during those crummy, universal retrograde, God, can you hear me? kind of moments.

You may not always realize how thoughtfulness can go a long way, but it truly does. thoughtfulness by means of remembering someone on any given day that ends in Y, can be the difference of someone feeling so lonely they result to commit suicide, or a rather fulfilling heart pump that infuses a burst of energy to keep them smiling and realizing they are never alone.

Now, how you handle your thoughtfulness for someone else is your choice, just as how your thoughts of self-doubt are rooted from your core. But, in moments of solitude when the air seems to standstill while you sit in a somber state, take note of the friendly reminder of care and love comes that comes by means of an email, a chirping hello from a coworker who "just wanted to stop and say hi," or a gift arriving in the mail unexpectedly. These are all thoughtfulness at its best.

In my turn of sulking, I had three messages come to me.

#1. A card in the mail along with a gift from my dear friend, Felicia telling me she was always there for me and that if I needed to call her at 3a.m., to never hesitate. Along with the card was a silicone bracelet that read, "God's got this".

#2. The following week I was still in my strange state, when my HR lady randomly walks by my office. I smile and say good morning and she does the same, but then says "give me a minute, I'll be back." "Okkaaaaayyy," I thought to myself, just as she appears handing me a beautiful bracelet, letting me know she thought of me and went out to a specific store to hunt down this bracelet she knew I would like.

#3. Today, while in the middle of my day, my coworker comes to greet me. Now this is no regular coworker, she's an awesome coworker. In the past she has shared with me about life and God's love and to sum it up, it's been a very nurturing and special friendship that has blossomed. She even called me a daughter figure. How sweet, huh?

Well, she said she was on her way upstairs to do some tasks and spotted me as she passed through my department and something told her to stop and talk to me. We talked for about an hour of things that related to my "state of being," and sure enough, a hug from her, followed by tears from me, led us both to an emotional state of caring and love.

HOLY MOLY! Now, what do you think all of these things did for me? If you said crawl into fetal position and rock back and forth, you're wrong! I felt my heart cheer. I noticed myself smile, and I noticed myself sigh. I was able to relax for a minute. I'm not out of the woods just yet, as it's my journey and I need to continue the walk, but what I realized was the many friends that met me along the way. Sort of like Dorothy Gail from the Wizard of Oz. She had the tools, but just needed the positive company of a few encouraging friends and one loyal pup to know she's had the will inside of her all along. 

So next time you're feeling a bit lonely or lack-luster, know you're not alone. Notice the silver lining in a friendly smile or how much your dog or cat loves you, but also stay aware of your state. Let yourself meditate, cry, sulk or just shed soooo last season's crocodile skin, and just breathe.

And, when you get a chance, do a little something for someone else. You never know who needs you or is waiting for someone to remember them.

Love always,