October 19, 2014

Life passes with or without you


It's been a long while, I know. Please forgive me, as my absence is due to the recent rush of life.  The type of rush that forces into the sails of a boat simultaneously lunging it forward and slightly off the water before connecting it, again.

 I, was suffering. 

Not just from the unthoughtful abruption, but from the brief disconnection. 

I was depressed. 

My company had downsized and without notice, I was with out a job, without an income and a quick realization that bills were going to start adding up. 

Next, my Mom was battling an illness. Breast Cancer. 

And third, I started repeating symptoms of my own circumstance, anxiety, panic attacks and deep depression. 

When life is ready to throw you in the eye of the storm, it will. And, it doesn't think twice. 

Being a water sign myself (Scorpio), I found some truth in the way my zodiac sign was reacting to this particular storm. I'm water after all, and what does water do when it flows over cracks? It falls into them. It twist with the turns and drops with the dips. Water can go with the flow, or it can overflow. It can give you life, or it can drown you. 

During this time, I felt like I was drowning. This went on for many long months.  

 It was all too much, and, all too sudden.

Then, before I could react, I felt that brisk breeze pick up speed, and once again, I was lunged forward.  This time I was being pushed to solid ground and my days on water were put on hold. 

I found a job; hired as a Manager. I was going to be able to pay my bills.

Two months later on Friday, October 16th, I got the call that Mama was going to be ok. After months of chemo, treatments beyond measure, doctor visits that were often unpleasant, hospital visits, pain, healing, and more test; Mama got the news from her doctor, she is Cancer free. I cried just a little but mostly celebrated in cheers, hugs, eating cake and drinking Sangrias with Mama. The human body is an amazing thing, but the human spirit should have its own badge of honor. 

So, with everything turning around, why was I still feeling anxiety? The truth is, I don't know, but my gut tells me it could be my ego. Ego is designed to fight for us. It's the part that boost us up when someone puts us down. "They're wrong! Not me. I'm perfect." Or, "Don't worry, you're stronger, better, faster, wiser." That's what Ego tells us anyway. 

I feel that during all these tragedies that came first, it forced my Ego into overdrive. It fought so hard to shield me from the let down, the fear and the worry, but ultimately it was shielding me from the truth and forcing me into denial. And now I'm dealing with that residual misunderstanding of truth and false reality. 

Today I went to church alone. I felt my deepest core cry out for mercy, and I know God heard. How could he not? My heart craved for my savior the way a tired horse does for water after a long ride. I needed it or I was going to die. 

I felt the cracks in my heart as I listened to the choir sing. I was so moved I started to sway to the rhythm and then it hit me, my God was just like the trees of life.

 Stable and rooted deep down into the foundation, sways with the loving breaths and upbrupt shifts of wind, shelters those from the storm, and yet is a home for so many. And suddenly, my anxiety eased up. "I am going to be ok," I told myself. Although it may not go away soon, and will ultimately reoccur,  I know I have my constant to lean on when I get scared. 

I've prayed to God during all the other times, good and bad, I know it's ok now to lean on him, for myself. 

In our journey through life, we all have choices to become better versions of ourselves or resist the pressure of change and stay the same. Regardless of our choice to sit in misery or be an active participant in life, the time will pass anyways, you might as well make each second you have worth something amazing. For me, I will choose to Pray, hold my dog close and swear to be best friends forever, (we are), and be patient with myself. 

What are some positive choices you can make?